


A Slice of Lemon Wrapped Round a Large Gold Brick

by gladdecease



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, Torchwood
Genre: Community: comment_fic, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-26
Updated: 2009-04-26
Packaged: 2017-10-17 02:25:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/171939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gladdecease/pseuds/gladdecease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack tests out the new rift controller by taking the new team to Milliways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Slice of Lemon Wrapped Round a Large Gold Brick

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/comment_fic/35219.html?thread=7310227#t7310227), in response to [trillianastra](http://trillianastra.livejournal.com/profile)'s prompt: Doctor Who, Jack Harkness/any DW or Torchwood character(s), pan-galactic gargle blasters at Milliways.

Everyone has their own way of getting to Milliways. Some go by time-travel, some by teleporters. Some go by incredibly complicated upside-down Italian restaurants, and some by standing next to an exploding hyperspatial field generator on a certain planet. The latter is not necessarily recommended, as if you are there at the wrong time, you may instead be transported to Milliways during it's initial construction, which is both unattractive and quite dangerous, as the planet lacked a breathable atmosphere at the time.

Captain Jack Harkness (and guests) were the first to come by spacio-temporal rift. It gave the valet a difficult time figuring out how to park the thing, but one of the captain's party stabilized the rift and asked the valet to cordon off the area so no other customers accidentally ended up in 21st century Cardiff. Not knowing where Cardiff was, and immediately assuming it was an incredibly dull place, the android complied.

Cardiff ranged, in fact, anywhere from incredibly dull, to mildly interesting, to absolutely terrifying, depending on the amount of alien contact you were aware of and/or could stand. The rift was normally not so easily stabilized on the far side, and only recent events further activating the rift allowed for this trip to happen. Really, it was less of a trip, more of a research expedition.

But if Jack Harkness was going to introduce his coworkers to just one place in all of anywhere and anywhen, there was really only one place they absolutely _had_ to go.

"Milliways," he proclaimed, spreading his arms out and grinning widely at his guests. "Restaurant at the End of the Universe." They walked inside and gaped at the opulence.

"Martha and I visited this time period before, though it wasn't as nice then."

Martha frowned at him. "That's putting it a bit lightly."

"Well, yes, the end of the human race, all the stars going out, it was actually pretty depressing," Jack conceded. "But they've got this place in a time-traveling bubble, so it's unaffected by the universe actually ending, and people get a show as they eat. Not a bad deal."

"I should bloody well say not," Mickey said at long last. He was the one who was gaping the most out of the five of them. Something about the gold and ivory and generally expensive nature of the restaurant made him quite speechless for most of their trip, with the exception of the previous sentence and a later cry of pain.

"It's gorgeous," Gwen agreed. The maitre d' looked to her, and she said, "Um, table for five. Under... Harkness?"

"Captain Jack Harkness," the captain supplied helpfully.

The maitre d' looked down his reservations list and glanced back up. "Which party, sir?"

Jack blinked. "Sorry, what?"

"Which party? You, my good sir, have the unmistakable attribute of being the only sentient being to have made reservations here four times in his life. Twice under this name, once as the Face of-"

"Okay, okay, I get it, I come here often. The party should include Martha Jones, Gwen Cooper, Ianto Jones..."

"And Mr Mickey Smith." With a sweeping motion, the maitre d' checked off a name on his list. "Yes, that seems to be in order. Would you like drinks at the bar first, or would you prefer to go straight to dinner?"

Jack rubbed his hands together excitedly. "Ooh, drinks!" He waved his party along with him, and followed a waiter to the bar, saying, "You guys have _got_ to try this. Five Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters, my good man."

The bartender stared at him in horror. "Are you mad? No one's survived drinking more than three!"

"Oh, somehow I think I could," Jack smiled cryptically. "But no, one for each myself and my associates here." He gestured at the Torchwood members seated on either side of him. With a nod, the bartender started to make up the drinks.

"Sir," Ianto asked warily, watching the Suntiger teeth dissolve. "What, exactly, is a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster?"

"The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster is the most incredible drink, the taste's beyond words. Invented by the President of the Galaxy; hilarious guy, the most talented two-headed person I ever knew. Well, except for that girl from New Betel..." Jack looked momentarily wistful.

Looking a bit wary at the two-headed comments, Ianto and Gwen accepted their drinks. Martha and Mickey, having traveled with the Doctor themselves, were more familiar with the strangeness of aliens (and Jack), and were less nervous, but still a bit apprehensive. The glass bubbled innocently, and all at once, they downed their shots.

As you may or may not be aware, a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster is one of the more near-deadly drinks. The bartender was not joking when he said no one had survived drinking more than three. Jack, being essentially immortal, most likely could have had more than that, but the effect of the drink, even when it doesn't kill you, is not always pleasant. It's been described rather poetically as having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

Non-poets have described it more along the lines of the Torchwood team's response.

"Oh dear God!"

"Bloody hell!"

"Ah ah aaaah!"

"Oh God, my _head_!"

"Woohoo!"


End file.
